Pink Coyote

This Beautiful Week

My piece for CORE which is seen here missing a couple of elements, such as it's deer antler button closure and wooden cap. Her capelet is also unpressed. She was prettied up for her debut, I assure you.

This piece evolved from a very different idea into one which symbolizes so much to me. She speaks about integrating all of the parts: Innocent, wise, vulnerable, fragile, ill, reborn, enchanted, rescuer, shadow, wild; parts that we split off of and yearn for until we can piece ourselves back together. I'm sure you can guess which fairy tale I borrowed from to make my point.

Here she is in her glory. The Goddess McCabe Russell took this photo and I'm so grateful because I took only two pictures of the piece and they're both super dark. What you can't see in either of these photos is the fox tail that adorns her back bottom side. Perhaps someone got a good pic of her showing it.

CORE was an unbelievably fun night, filled with amazing music, familiar faces and art. I'm so proud to have been a part of it. The women who came to this venue were divine on so many levels and I've learned so much from them.

These are snaps from the show. I can't recall the titles of each one, so I'll just have to list the artists only! I wish I'd gotten more photos. Shame my hands were full of people and wine all night!

 

Christine Mason Miller.

Outi Harma.

Marisa Haedike.

Liz Kalloch.

Photo of Miles and Erin by the illuminating Stacy de la Rosa. Brandon braved the traffic with both little ones and came all the way to Los Angeles so Miles could see the display and meet some of the artists. I love my husband. He is so courageous and willing.

Sarah Ahearn.

Kelly Barton.

I have to thank Anne Carmack ONE MORE TIME for her vision, her energy, her grace and her unfaltering sense of glee at organizing this show. If you were able to come, thank you for your support! It was a lovefest, man.

And I can't mention the week without raising my tea mug to the finest Alpha Goddess to walk the earth, my Girly Blue. You my love, are what dog history is made of. How I miss you and yearn to kiss you and sniff you nose to nose. I'm remembering all you've taught me, recalling your beautiful, gentle strength. We love seeing you in our dreams, so please visit often. Peace to your ever joyful heart, sweet hound.

At Our CORE

You are invited to come have your socks knocked off by the work of fifteen artists who pushed beyond their safe, creative perimeters to bring you this show.

Thank you, again, Anne Carmack, for creating this divine experience for all of us.

Christine Mason Miller

Marisa Haedike

Jessica Seaton

Cathy Nicols

Michelle Caplan

Liz Kalloch

Mati Rose McDonough

Sarah Ahearn

Carla Terwilliger

Nicol Ragland

Outi Harma

Linda Esterly

Karin Collins

Anne Carmack

+ Me. :)

It's Only For Now

Thank you all for your comments about Blue and our loss yesterday. Such heartfelt messages have kept us warm through the night. Bless!

It's odd how this whole thing has hit me. I hadn't known what to expect when Blue was diagnosed and I had almost two months to prepare for her leaving us. The oncologist gave her one to four months, the day after we returned from Squam. Time is so deceitful when you're waiting for your loved one to die. What is a month? A tiny blip on the screen.

I've felt guilty some. When I look at the many photos of her I've snapped in the past few weeks, but especially those from yesterday, I try to read her face to see what she may have been saying that I didn't catch. She stares back at me, laughing in some of them, pained in others. How could she be so full of grace and dealing with the unholy takeover of her body at the same time?

Tonite, during snuggle, Miles told me he was ready for her to come back and sobbed and said that she was never coming back. I'm thankful he can discern his feelings. We talked about where or what she might be, as he's always had this spirity way of asserting his ideas of reincarnation, something we've never discussed with him. He thought she might be in another galaxy, a scrub jay, a rainbow, a falling leaf, kissing gophers. As he mentioned these possibilities, his mood seemed to lighten. Mine did, too.

When I asked him about where he got the notion that when beings cross over they come back as something else, he said, "This is what I know". It is EXACTLY what he said when I asked him the same question about a year ago. And what I find peculiar is that he seldom repeats himself verbatim. There's always a fresh twist. Except with this.

 

It's Only For Now You Know, Hidden Eloise.

Vegging out on Etsy tonite (my kind of painkiller), I came across this item from my favorites and stuck it right in my cart. I love Hidden Eloise and have bought from her before. She's a delightful little spirit and I love the emotion of the characters in her paintings. I also bought one from Amy Blackwell, who's work I can't get enough of. I'll share it when it comes in. 

November is an easy month to be grateful in. The heart seems to settle in contently for a short time just before the Christmas rush, doesn't it?

I'm so grateful for the way Blue loved me. I'm so grateful to know that I am not alone.

Sweet Dreams, Friend

Oh, Blue. Today was truly the hardest day I've ever lived. Deciding to allow you to return to the earth felt like the right thing to do, and then you'd smile that famous smile and breathe that hot breath and I would spin right back into the questions. Because of your type of cancer, we couldn't let you decide on your own. It would have been extremely confusing and painful for you.

I'm so sorry if you felt any confusion tonite at all. Lying under the sycamore tree with you and smelling your coat, I wanted to stop the world from going around just to make that moment last forever. And ever. And ever.

Your ceremony was lovely, the smell of sweetgrass lingering around us. Miles rubbed his hands in lavender and then petted you for a long time. I put a seashell in your travelling bundle, to remind you of the fun we've had at Rincon Beach and to encourage you to find water to cool you on your journey. Dad read Old Coyote, and it was helpful in the moments to follow for us to know that you were dreaming yourself into a whole new world.

In the garden, the doctor gave you the strong medicine we talked about. You crossed over, and our living room lights mysteriously came on in the house. I could feel that your spirit had left your body. I imagined you chasing a gray squirrel up a tall pine tree, running along trail with your dainty paws, and lying down in a creek somewhere, look of euphoria on your soft, dark grey lips. I could have kissed you for hours.

I'm so grateful for how protective you were of the cradle when Miles was born. You were so patient with all children and other dogs. You never had to growl or bite anyone to let them know you were queen. Ever the confident goddess, you've taught me so much.

We miss you deeply. I've already walked by your bed several times and it seems disorienting that you aren't in it. I'm lonesome for your hugs, your breath, your friendship. I'm so grateful we got to spend ten years together.

Thank you for your loyalty and love, beautiful creature. You will be in my heart forever.

Love, Mama

Offerings

I am learning as I go about the process of working in group shows and on deadlines as an artist, and CORE is my first go with this sort of thing. Working with Anne Carmack has been a wonderful experience on my end, and I think she should create a tutorial on how to organize a group show! Gathering artists and their creations together under one roof is just too much fun. I thrive on the bonds made in artistic communion, it's just heavenly! It helps to remedy the isolation that occurs when I hole up in my studio and just push myself to go through everything alone.

Creating work on a deadline meant that there were moments that I had to disappear (sometimes a bit guiltily) when my kids, husband, dogs, the preschool, friends, needed me. When I'm not minding a clock, I still have to carve out time, but I typically squeeze it in during everyone's off hours. Having a "due date" definitely turned the fire up under the family skillet. It very much spotlighted how in demand I am as a mom- how I imagine most moms must be, whether we feel it or not. 

I have another project coming up in two weeks and the medium is closer to what I normally use, but get this...I only have 48 hours to create it from start to finish! I can't wait to tell you about it, it's a really neat concept.

I know that I am energized by the feeling of gestation and giving birth, but what I didn't realize until now is that I've created a profession in which I am giving birth left and right. This is what it feels like to be an artist: fresh sweat on my brow, exhilarating, anticipation, trust, and wonder. Not unlike the birthdays of my sweet babes, which felt like I was being given amazing treasures, but who are also my offerings to the world.

Off You Go, Out Into the World

I drove her down to Santa Monica today, to introduce her to Anne, who will carry her to her esteemed destination. I'm talking about someone I've come to call Addeline, and though that isn't her official "title", it's this that I've called her when I've needed to connect to find out more about what it is this mannequin wants to say.

I'll be writing more about the mannequin phenomenon known as CORE this week, but here are my initial late-Sunday night-zombified thoughts:

She wanted to teach me about integrating some of my forgotten and neglected parts; the light, dark, the shadow, the wisewoman, the crone, the reborn, the wild, the innocent and vulnerable, the feminine, the gritty, the vibrant. Her title, "Concurrence" speaks of these types of aspects converging at one significant point, or specifically, on one curvy fiberglass torso. 

CORE has stirred many thoughts for me about how we split off from the parts of ourselves that frighten us or carry negative connotation. Working in 3D has also been a real challenge! Everyone I've spoken with seemed to hit points where they were lacking in confidence about their piece. Only one of us has worked with this surface before, so each experience with the mannequins was full of "firsts". I learned the hard way not to stick my arm into something made of fiberglass, among other things.

I leapt at the chance to work with this medium and there were many times when I wondered what the EFF was I thinking!? Today, over lunch with two of the participating artists and one just plain amazing lady, it became clear. Being an artist doesn't mean creating safe little works of art, it means hanging my ass out on the line and taking risks.

The funny thing about this whole trying ordeal: I highly recommend it. *Grin*

Now if I can just allow myself to celebrate that she's complete and not stress myself out with all of the new work on my plate that I'm so excited about! It's important to take a rest and recharge a bit, which isn't easy for me, but part of my self-care challenge.

On the Machine

Inside the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland, 2009.

Today I am closing the computer and enslaving myself to the sewing machine: One clown ninja, one red riding hood capelet and maybe an alteration on a steampunk Lincoln, we shall see.

Be back tomorrow!

Decomposure

Fox. Animal Spirits Knowledge Cards, Susan Seddon Boulet.

Funny how things decay over time. Some things get better with age and others fall apart, bit by bit, tooth after tooth, cell beyond cell.

Death and rebirth are on my mind a lot lately. I seem to be faced with the message of loss each time I turn around and I never quite know how to hold it in my small hands.

Grief sticks to me like tiny hairs on sticky fingertips; that no matter how i try, frustrated, to pick at it and extract it off of me, ignore it, or sit with it quietly, it often feels like I will never come clean of it.

I saw a beautiful red fox hit on the road today, by El Tejon northbound on I-5. She looked in perfect condition with her little pointed face toward the afternoon sun. She teaches me about preparing for changes and making my den comfortable and cozy. She is teaching me how to integrate all parts of myself. She brings with her the hope of freedom from fear and falsehood.

Decay seems lacking in grace, but perhaps it is the most graceful act of all.

 

Owls and More Owls

 

 

Ann Wood is so amazing. Perfect for this wicked week, don't you think?

Any more owl encounters out there? I'll be posting up a bit more about them tomorrow, eyes to the night sky in the meantime, okay?

Grateful Pause

i

must

have paused

a hundred times to

thank the stars overhead for

 an utterly peaceful weekend in which

a friend came to lend a hand and raid the fridge 

another sat on a barstool and shared beer & stories

a brother in need of a seamstress brought fabric & presents

a husband did all he could out of the house with kids so i could work

a sky clouded over

coffee smelled perfect

a mockingbird brought her song

loving hands came carrying dinner

a lizard came to the window to say hello

a dog coming to the end of her days came to hug

and i opened my grateful arms

to say thank you

again

and

again

and

again

Front Page!

Fox made the front page!

From the Archives: October 2006

Barn as seen from Marshall hideaway on Dusty Road, 2006.

**From the crypt, I've decided to share a post from yesteryear...

To know me, you need to know this: I love a challenge.

I may groan and complain about new ways of being and thinking, but I truly love the process of growth. Evolving as a human, and knowing that I can do it right up until I die, excites me tremendously.

Today above-mentioned friend showed me a birthday card that her daughter gave to her. It read, "To change we must survive, to survive we must change." It rolls around in my mind like a caramel dipped apple in chopped peanuts, resounding a sweet and savory truth.

My story is not unlike many others. I come from a family of deep wounds spanning back as many impoverished generations as we can count. While healing those wounds and breaking the mold are the most important thing to me, they aren't to other people in my family. I've had to learn to seperate from them and let them go, loving them only from afar. It is so painful, as I'm sure you can relate, to witness patterns repeating in loved ones. It has been difficult to step away knowing that I can't endorse such behavior, because to do so results in that enabling thingy. Love doesn't mean we help those who don't help themselves. I'm learning.

I'm pulling out of a slumpy mood. This season has brought heartbreak and then enlightenment, and now I'm ready to have fun, get crafty and take Christmas pictures! I remember my friend Maggie saying years ago that she liked to listen to Christmas music any time of the year because it just makes her happy. I couldn't agree more and have not packed my cds away for the past two holidays. I've been bumpin' Ella's Swingin' Christmas in my momcar for weeks!

Coping/grieving and living zestily on my own terms provides a contrast I'm sure you can relate to. We are so similar, you and I.

Vision

Again, I recall the great

vision you gave me.

It may be that some little

root of

The sacred tree still lives.

Nourish it then

That it may leaf and

bloom and

Fill with singing birds!

Hear me, that the People

may once again

Find the good road and the

shielding tree.

-Black Elk

motion

She's got a look that tells me I'm in for some action very soon. Scooting is giving way to crawling, and rocking back and forth in her walker is becoming taking flight down the hallway. She is a spritely goddess, stating her opinions and finding ways to have her voice heard in the world.

I'm grieving just a little that this is very likely the last time I will have a baby this little and also so reliant on me. She's very different from her brother, and while I know one will never have two children the same, I have to wonder if girls are more independent from the start. And if so, why is that?

Miles absolutely clung to me and nursed around the clock and seldom wanted to be put down. Was it because he was my firstborn? Ivy has her mind on other things. She loves her momma rituals, but she has a fierce focus on the world around her and a much more aggressive approach to exploring her surroundings.

In my wandering thoughts while nursing her to sleep or feeling her tiny hands hold mine while she sleeps snuggled up next to me are that she leads a courageous life, where none of her dreams are without wings.

 

Mythic Journey

These photographs are all the work of  Sarah Maingot, my new photog crush. Her work is nothing short of mythical and I am completely smitten.

 

"The hero, whether god or goddess, man or woman, the figure in a myth or the dreamer of a dream, discovers and assimilates his opposite (his own suspected self) either by swallowing it or being swallowed. One by one, the resistances are broken. He must put aside his pride, his virtue, beauty and life, and bow or submit to the absolutely intolerable. Then he finds that he and his opposite are not of differing species, but one flesh."

-Joseph Campbell

 

Sweetest Dreams

Tonite I lay snuggling Miles in his bed after storytime and he said,

"Snuggle me," in a way  that suggested that my nose wasn't touching his quite enough.

My eyes were closed and I said sleepily, "I'm so tired, I think I'm fading out."

His sweet reply, "Well it is snuggling when you fall asleep next to someone you're loving on."

After all.

 

Bundling Peace

Bundle, 2009.

I'm so grateful for your comments and emails about the owl. Sometimes I feel sort of...unlike many of my blogging sisters. It's always reassuring to receive emails about your personal experiences with animals. I feel proud of the way that many of you have honored creatures in your own neighborhoods and hearts.

Above is a bundle that I made this weekend; inside are dried plants, shells and other items symbolic of beauty, feminine archetypes, the creative fire, water elements, companionship, and gratitude. Healers and medicine people often assemble pouches or bags with *help* packed in them, and that's precisely what this is. On the outside is a letter I've written to my soul, a crow feather, some cedar I found in the woods and an owl talon from my teacher. I am very honored that she would gift me with this.

Today, peace came in the form of a baby who rested, a friend who came to town for lunch, a leisurely stroll in the yarn store, laughter at dinnertime, plenty of time outside in the crisp air, and a heart that breathed beyond an anxious story about all that wasn't getting done...

Peace all around.

Medicine Soup

There seem to be an abundance of great retreats being hosted at the moment, and it makes my heart sing to see women sitting in more and more circles, connecting and awakening to the depth of their own souls.

My longtime medicine teacher gathers a group in the mountains once a year and I've missed the last few. So this time, dearest husband stayed five minutes from camp (thanks to Amazing Diane) and I was able to participate while he and the wees explored mountain tops nearby. Isn't it so good to have deep friends and rich nature all in one weekend? *happy sigh*

These are the times when I put myself on the hook to try to find the hang ups that  prevent me from creating peace in my life. Between the dreams, readings, healings, drumming, dancing, yoga, meditation, and time spent alone in the woods, it's impossible not to go into deep reflection. This is what I love about retreat, the renewal and enlivenment of spirit that one can come home with.

What came up for me, as I was flitting between activities and opting out of others in favor of getting outside to breathe the air of my favorite pines, is that... I am addicted to overwhelm. {stomach heave}

Here's what it looks like:

I tend to run myself a little bit late, and then I am flustered when I get to where I'm going. I fill my calendar just a little too full, spread myself to those in need a bit too thin, and therefore operate under a pattern of stress with all of the nasty sidecars: suppressed immunity, few emotional reserves, able to go short distances but wear out when endurance is needed.  I can seriously make any easy task into a tragedy if I'm unaware. It's not easy to admit this because now I have to do something about it. Shit!

Having children has made this pattern seem justifiable. Friends say things like, "You're under rested, you're a new mom! Of course you're only operating on half a brain!" Implying that the reddish-black circles under my eyes are all perfectly normal. The truth is that this was going on long before kids came into my life, but I was able to collapse for three days at a time if needed, or be sick, etc., stealthily hiding my *habit* a bit.

Being addicted to overwhelm feels victimy to me when I hold it up to the light. (There's that message again). I don't feel that I'm proficient about making decisions that are grounded in self care. I'm determined to find a way to turn it around. I feel a responsibility, not only to myself, to be able to teach Miles and Ivy how to honor and take care of themselves.

These are my lessons. All mixed up in a big soup with my joy, my love and my offerings to you.

The Buzz

I'm a busy little worker bee, worker bee, worker bee. This week every thought turns into a gay, little song when I'm buzzing along at a mighty pace. And buzzing along I am. I always get through, though, and this time will be no exception. Here are a few little random yummies to chew on while I'm foxtrotting away, getting finished up for CORE and doing the Animamarama.

Loving this piece on balance by Christina of My Topography. 

This pumpkin necklace by Lara Lewis has stolen my heart, as well as these animal paper dolls by Julianna, the genius behind Oh My Cavalier! I've been following Julianna for some time and her work is only getting wickedly better and better.

And here is an interview I recently did about courageous travel at sweet Kate's site. Whether I'm courageous or just plain crazy, I don't know.

Dog coverlet at Custom Hotel, September 2009.

Blest

We must laugh and we must sing,

We are blest by everything,

Everything we look upon is blest.

-Yeats

First Sunday

The first Sunday of the month is my day. Since 2003, with a few short breaks for babies, I've been sitting in a circle of women in the Los Padres National Forest to connect, heal and do all of the rad things that women do when there are no boys around. Like weep openly just because we're so grateful to have each other, hug for no reason, journey for messages for each other, feast, celebrate the animals and the earth, drum, rattle, and explore the teachings of the ancient ones. When we have to skip a month, I really feel it. I've come to rely on this circle and others like it to re-center me.

As Blue and I were heading out (the Goddess of Blue rides in the car much more now), I spotted a bird on the roadside. I passed it because, Ugh, I didn't feel like dealing with roadkill today and I was already late. About a mile away, I turned back. I didn't feel I could leave it there. Animal medicine is part of what this circle is all about. I phoned Brandon to tell him to meet me at the gate with supplies: rubber gloves, cat litter, cardboard box. When I got back to it and got a good look, I saw that it was a Great Horned Owl. Which is really strange because barn owls are a dime a dozen here, but I've never seen a GH.

 

Photo of Great Horned Owl stretching, Art Siegel.

It's qualities, as far as I know, is really simple-it's quite a formidable bird with a large giant beak and furry legs that lead to enormous talons. In the tradition of the elders, we harvested wings, tail feathers, and claws and gave it a ceremonial wrap and burial complete with songs, sage and a prayer. This may sound a bit macabre to some, but it's what we do. It's very sad for the animal who has lost it's life, presumably this one to electrical wires, as so many are. One way of honoring it, and all that it has to teach, is to use the feathers in ceremonies or gift them to those who might need them for healing work.

Owls teach us about the feminine aspects. I also call on Owl to help me practice flexibility-think of the magnificent range of motion of their heads. When my neck is sore, which it often is, I ask myself what it is that I must learn to be more flexible about. Usually, the answer lies somewhere among having too-high expectations, thinking in a rigid or controlling way, or needing a break from the pressure of deadlines. I know, loosen up, Pixie.

Owls are survivors, they can adapt to almost any environment. This comes in handy to remember, too.

I'm so grateful for my life, my friends, and the messages and blessings that continue to find inroads to me. I'm so grateful that you stopped by!

Into the Core

This is the event I was telling you about! If you'll be in Los Angeles, please stop in and say hello! The ever-swirling Christine inspired this project and has all the deets! I want to thank the passionate Anne Carmack, of folkandfable, for pulling it together and making it really fun for everyone.  

Working with this medium has taken me on quite a ride. I am sitting here wanting to talk the backstory of it all, but since the piece isn't finished, I'm going to postpone until a bit later. I'm intrigued by the idea of many artists interpreting on another artist's *canvas*. It's going to be one lovely partay.

What Big Ideas You Have....

So...who's your favorite fairy tale hero or heroine? What appeals to you about him or her? Are there any myths or stories that help move you forward or inspire you to look deeper within?

Play!